Forgetting the rest…
by ChristaWells
*I feel the need to add this morning’s reading to this post as a reminder that there is one place to go with these questions, with our needs. And that the answer to self-driving busy-ness is not self-focus of a different kind. It is only in re-directing the eyes of our hearts to the Giver of Life that we find any rest for our weariness:
“Show me YOUR ways, O Lord
TEACH me YOUR paths
Guide me in YOUR truth and TEACH me
for YOU are GOD my SAVIOR
and my hope is in You ALL DAY LONG.”
Psalm 25:4
He loves me, and he knows me. He knows me, yet he loves me.
My better half has a way of seeing through the chaos and the tales I’ve led myself to believe…for better or worse.
Much to my chagrin, he knows my blindspots.
He sees the inconsistencies in my reasoning. My seeming inability to trust, to relinquish control. My addiction to work and anxiety and perfection and impossible commitments. The resulting impatience I have toward the people I love most. The constant running of a mind that has forgotten how to rest.
I’ve said it for years:
My greatest fear is not having enough time, in a day, in a life.
I love and I long to live love the way God does, and…I know it’s often not about anything but…I.
Every day feels like a battle against the clock. Passion propels an exhausted body and large family relentlessly onward because the kids need clean clothes and healthy food and the church needs contributing members and the neighborhood needs community and the world needs saving and music and friendship and compassion and if not me, then who?
(It’s okay. You can say it. It’s true.)
This isn’t noble, selfless living. This is driven living. It may be sincere, it may be love; but it’s also a false belief that everything and everyone depend on moi. That God might not be quite up to the task, or may not have the army he thought he had.
Don’t I sort of want to be hands and feet and every other part of the spiritual body?
Isn’t that just a bit egocentric? Prideful? Willful?
If it is, what then is the answer? Scripture makes it clear that self-sacrifice is not a bad thing and that righteous suffering is part of the job. And shouldn’t we wring every bit of ourselves out for the treasures of a permanent kingdom while we’re here in the midst of such spiritual and physical hunger?
Perhaps we are meant to do the work we are doing. But differently.
Or…perhaps we are meant to do the work in seasons and not all at once.
I honestly do not know. I only know we were made for the work and the rest. And I. don’t. know. how.
I write this here as confession. I write it “out loud” because it’s embarrassing, and that probably means I should admit it. I’m writing to ask if you’ll pray for me.
And, as I write anything, I write hoping we find ourselves less alone.
If this weren’t so eloquently written, I might have thought these were my words.
Just yesterday I tried having more of a Sabbath. Normally, I just see it as a catch up day, but I decided to rest and enjoy my family instead. It was a nearly perfect day.
And I didn’t even get one thing checked off my to do list.
Sally Clarkson said something that really inspired me at the Relevant Conference. She said, “This isn’t the pinnacle of your life. Don’t rush.”
That really struck me and challenged me to rest more and rush less.
And I love how you said, “This isn’t noble, selfless living. This is driven living.”
Wise words…
Thank you.
And I read and I know I am not alone and I thank you.
We’ve been talking here about the Wells and four months and somewhere else, somewhere in need.
Is that the call? Or no?
I feel a little bit desperate, wild.
But is that prideful? Willful? That if God needs me somewhere else, He will come get me? “Here I am, Lord. Send me.”
My heart’s with yours, Christa… beating for answers.
He hears.
We’ll keep praying…
How I love you…. so.
All’s grace,
Ann
You mean you and I can’t save the world by our words, our strength, our efforts? Thank you, thank you for sharing these private words.
I am in my first year of teaching on the island of Saipan. So often I find myself running, working, writing, teaching, serving… Sunday afternoon finally found me lying down in the grass, listening to the waves roll back and forth and staring up at the blue sky. I praised God for His creation and His mighty works… and it was such wonderful, blissful peace.
And I look forward to the complete rest we’ll have one day. Glory…
I needed to read these words. Thank you.
Nope, you’re not alone. Thank you for sharing your heart and encouraging the rest of us who feel the same way at times. Thank you for pointing us to Him, the One who has these answers. Praying that you’ll find sweet rest in him today. Thanks again:)